Food is no Laughing Matter
There are certain things that I consider to be purely American. There are the obvious clichés, like apple pie, baseball, and July 4th fireworks, but the all-American icon with which I've had a life-long love affair is ketchup. It perfectly complements nearly all American foods. French fries and potato wedges? Ketchup. Hamburgers and hot dogs? Ketchup. Meatballs and matzoballs? Ketchup. My parents like to tell the story of when I was a little boy and would (no lie) dip my green beans in ketchup.
So when I go to a fast food restaurant, I want a lot of the stuff. I get very disappointed when I forget to ask for it and drive off, only to later discover that I'm lost in a desert of fries without a drop of ketchup in sight. The fries just aren't the same without it. And I don't understand those people who dip their fries in anything other than ketchup. Eating your fries with mayo or ranch is like, say, becoming an actor to star solely in TV commercials: You may enjoy it, but man, there's so much more out there for you.
So the other day I wanted fast food but didn't want to leave base, so that left only one option: Burger King. It's disgusting, I know, but it's the only fast food joint on base and I don't want to drive the 20 minutes it takes to get to town just for some higher-quality greasy food. If I'm making the commitment to go off base, I want to do more than just feed at the Golden Corral trough with the Wal-Mart people. Give me some atmosphere.
Anyway, the BK that's right by where I live is usually staffed by lazy workers with attitudes. The drive-through will be inexplicably closed off with those stupid Piso Mojado signs, and I can't go inside to order because I'm wearing flip flops (base order... no open-heel sandals on base). So I either have to go hungry or drive to mainside to the other BK and get my food there, because they -- unlike their counterparts across base -- don't close their drive-through any time they don't feel like working. Have you ever heard people talk about how hard Marines have it? This is the kind of thing they're talking about. Like Chris Griffin said, there has to be two of the same restaurants in one place so you can say, "Let's not go to that one, let's go to the good one."
And there's this one chick at my normal BK who sighs and rolls her eyes when you ask her for something, and I'm about half a sigh away from jumping through the window and dunking her head in the grease fryer. Look, I'm sure it sucks to work at Burger King, and believe me, I know it sucks to be around cocky, obnoxious Marines all the time, but I think we've all worked crappy jobs before. Don't act like the customer is the enemy and the world owes you something. This is America. If you don't like where you are in life, you're never too old to change things and make things better for yourself.
I don't even remember where I was going with this. Something about ketchup. Yeah, so the other day I went to BK and ordered my food, and I guess I was just distracted, because I didn't check the order when I got it. The lady (a polite worker, not Sighs McGee) handed me my food and I asked for ketchup, the staple of American condiments. She said she already put some in there, and I foolishly didn't check. So I get back to my room and get ready to eat and what do I find? Get ready to pick your jaw up from the floor: Two packets of ketchup.
Two freaking packets! Are you serious?! I tell you what, do you need your tires changed? Why don't I just put two new ones on and leave the other two bald and ready to explode. You need 30 rounds to fill a magazine? Here, two should be enough to fend off the hajjis and their suicide vests. You're hosting a party and need some adult beverages? I think two cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon should be enough. Give me a freaking break, Burger King worker. Is there a ketchup shortage or something? Does Burger King need to cut costs so they're eliminating the little things that make customers smile? I don't know if you've heard, but this isn't the 1940s, FDR and Rosie the Riveter aren't asking us to ration sugar and nylon and tomato products, we're not growing victory gardens, so give me more than two packets of ketchup before I lose my mind.
I would buy the condiments in the bottles, but I don't eat enough food to justify that excess spending to my accountant. Plus, I rarely even buy food because (1) I hate spending money, (2) I know I'd get fat if I did, and (3) as much as the chow hall sucks, it's free. I could go back to my Louisiana roots and ask for a ton of extra ketchup packets and keep them in a bowl in my pantry, but I don't want my Irish, Boston-raised roommate making fun of me more than he already does. And if I did buy the bottles, I certainly wouldn't keep them in the fridge. For those of you who do that, I understand it makes it fresher for longer, but I don't like the taste and feel of cold ketchup on hot fries. My entrée's temperature must be homogeneous.
So please, learn from my mistake. Check your order before you drive off, and if it's not to your liking, tell the drive-through worker what I just told you and everything should be fine. If they cop an attitude, I hope your fryer-dunking skills are honed and ready.
So when I go to a fast food restaurant, I want a lot of the stuff. I get very disappointed when I forget to ask for it and drive off, only to later discover that I'm lost in a desert of fries without a drop of ketchup in sight. The fries just aren't the same without it. And I don't understand those people who dip their fries in anything other than ketchup. Eating your fries with mayo or ranch is like, say, becoming an actor to star solely in TV commercials: You may enjoy it, but man, there's so much more out there for you.
So the other day I wanted fast food but didn't want to leave base, so that left only one option: Burger King. It's disgusting, I know, but it's the only fast food joint on base and I don't want to drive the 20 minutes it takes to get to town just for some higher-quality greasy food. If I'm making the commitment to go off base, I want to do more than just feed at the Golden Corral trough with the Wal-Mart people. Give me some atmosphere.
Anyway, the BK that's right by where I live is usually staffed by lazy workers with attitudes. The drive-through will be inexplicably closed off with those stupid Piso Mojado signs, and I can't go inside to order because I'm wearing flip flops (base order... no open-heel sandals on base). So I either have to go hungry or drive to mainside to the other BK and get my food there, because they -- unlike their counterparts across base -- don't close their drive-through any time they don't feel like working. Have you ever heard people talk about how hard Marines have it? This is the kind of thing they're talking about. Like Chris Griffin said, there has to be two of the same restaurants in one place so you can say, "Let's not go to that one, let's go to the good one."
And there's this one chick at my normal BK who sighs and rolls her eyes when you ask her for something, and I'm about half a sigh away from jumping through the window and dunking her head in the grease fryer. Look, I'm sure it sucks to work at Burger King, and believe me, I know it sucks to be around cocky, obnoxious Marines all the time, but I think we've all worked crappy jobs before. Don't act like the customer is the enemy and the world owes you something. This is America. If you don't like where you are in life, you're never too old to change things and make things better for yourself.
I don't even remember where I was going with this. Something about ketchup. Yeah, so the other day I went to BK and ordered my food, and I guess I was just distracted, because I didn't check the order when I got it. The lady (a polite worker, not Sighs McGee) handed me my food and I asked for ketchup, the staple of American condiments. She said she already put some in there, and I foolishly didn't check. So I get back to my room and get ready to eat and what do I find? Get ready to pick your jaw up from the floor: Two packets of ketchup.
Two freaking packets! Are you serious?! I tell you what, do you need your tires changed? Why don't I just put two new ones on and leave the other two bald and ready to explode. You need 30 rounds to fill a magazine? Here, two should be enough to fend off the hajjis and their suicide vests. You're hosting a party and need some adult beverages? I think two cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon should be enough. Give me a freaking break, Burger King worker. Is there a ketchup shortage or something? Does Burger King need to cut costs so they're eliminating the little things that make customers smile? I don't know if you've heard, but this isn't the 1940s, FDR and Rosie the Riveter aren't asking us to ration sugar and nylon and tomato products, we're not growing victory gardens, so give me more than two packets of ketchup before I lose my mind.
I would buy the condiments in the bottles, but I don't eat enough food to justify that excess spending to my accountant. Plus, I rarely even buy food because (1) I hate spending money, (2) I know I'd get fat if I did, and (3) as much as the chow hall sucks, it's free. I could go back to my Louisiana roots and ask for a ton of extra ketchup packets and keep them in a bowl in my pantry, but I don't want my Irish, Boston-raised roommate making fun of me more than he already does. And if I did buy the bottles, I certainly wouldn't keep them in the fridge. For those of you who do that, I understand it makes it fresher for longer, but I don't like the taste and feel of cold ketchup on hot fries. My entrée's temperature must be homogeneous.
So please, learn from my mistake. Check your order before you drive off, and if it's not to your liking, tell the drive-through worker what I just told you and everything should be fine. If they cop an attitude, I hope your fryer-dunking skills are honed and ready.
Labels: Food is no Laughing Matter, Happenings and Natterings
posted by Ryan at 7/25/2008
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